10 Worries

Sometimes I just wish I could just *snap* and fix whatever it is I'm worrying about. I'm a total worry-wart. Seriously. I worry about EVERYTHING. I can't sleep at night because I think of things to worry about. Like if there's not something I'm concerned with, I rack my brain trying to come up with something to concern myself with. I'm not joking. Deep down I have a peaceful sense in God that everything will be okay, but I find myself thinking through countless scenarios of "what-ifs" and "yeah, buts" until I just drift off to sleep. (And even then I DREAM about junk.) I don't really know why this happens or why I let myself do this. I've tried convincing myself that worrying doesn't really help, but I find some sense of security in it - like if I think through every situation and come up with every possible outcome for every single stress in my life, then I won't be too shocked when it happens. Or I just like to be pessimistic? I dunno.

So to cap this all off, I'm going to try to list my top 10 worries/concerns and then focus on one week for the next ten weeks... Pray about it, be proactive about it, talk with John about it and have him help me let go of this gripping paranoia.

1. Finances - obviously a big one. I make a joke about the "money munchkin" tonight who told me the other day to not waste money on microwaveable popcorn. But then John came back at me with the fact that I don't listen to that money munchkin when I really should... So I'm going to try to be better about our budget and getting out of debt so we don't have this huge black cloud hanging over our heads for the rest of our life.
2. Work - I just don't make the time to get done what I need to, and I make all sorts of excuses not to. Then I freak out because I have "so much to do."
3. Being a good Mommy - I just need to focus more on spending meaningful time with the boys.
4. My relationship with God.
5. Erin - I just worry about her all day long...
6. My health/fitness (really, need I say more?)
7. Losing one or both of the boys or John. I seriously freak out about this more than I should.
8. My relationship with John - just making the time to talk about things other than work and the kids and really keeping "us" in good shape.
9. How others view me - I am so insecure and paranoid that no one likes me. I go home from meetings, church, family gatherings just absolutely convinced that I'm a mess and said all the wrong things and no one really enjoyed my company. I don't know how such an outwardly, seemingly confident person is so insecure, but I really am. And I'd really like to work on my self-image and thus change how I view other people viewing me.
10. Various little things that are totally within my control - like cleaning the house instead of playing xbox, or finding my keys, or writing thank you cards for Tyler's birthday, or forgetting to send that check to Courtney. I have so many things that just come down to laziness and at the end of the day I feel so dang guilty for it all that I just worry and worry that I'm not the person I want to be or should be and then my brain goes to how much I'm unhappy with myself... I just need to get my butt in gear so that I don't have the little things to worry about and can focus on the bigger things that might actually matter.

Whew. I feel better. For now.

Freaking Kid. Seriously.

"Um.... Cheese-berger."
"You want a cheeseburger? Okay, I'm getting you a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger."
"Yes."
"Okay."

5 minutes later at the table.

"Cheese-berger!"
"Yes, that's your cheeseburger. Eat it."
"No way."
"Brayden, seriously. You need to eat."
"No way!"
"Okay, fine. Ty-Ty will eat it."
"NO WAY! (and crying ensues)"
*sigh* "Okay, here's your burger."
"CHEESE BERGER!"
"Yes. EAT IT."
"No. No WAY!" (as he wraps it back up, and total melt down follows.)

John takes the screaming child outside... He's met by a grandma who says, "Aww... Little guy giving you trouble?"
John: "Every day."


PS - the wrapped up cheeseburger is still sitting in the car. Uneaten.

When at eleventy-hundredth you don't succeed...

So I've been trying to keep this blog/journal for 4 years now. I stink at it. I'll have my days where I'm really good at getting on here and writing something, but then MONTHS. I don't know why I don't make myself do it more. My mom has been keeping a DAILY journal since 1977. Seriously. She has 30 books of journaling. I can think of any day in my life and go find out what she had to say about that day. Usually it's just composed of "Today, I..." but how neat is it to be able to know that in October of 1977, she went to KFC for lunch and spent $1.50 total. Or being able to go back to the '80's and read about every day of my brother's life.

So I'm going to try (again) to pick it back up.